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I've stopped counting. Day number god knows what. I'm loosing my mind. God help me.

I'm falling apart slowly. I see my change in attitude but at the same time, I see my heart breaking even more. I can see my reflection too you know and this isn't me. This was never me. This girl...

My life since secondary sch and since I was a kid. It was always guys. Just plain... Boys.
I can't daydream without thinking abt a prince charming. Yes, I confess I do dream about prince charming on his horse. Not something worth talking about but yes. I do. I'm dying as days go by. Really, I stopped my dreaming because I knew it was never happening but now, it's spiralled out of control. I miss you. I do.

I can't help myself. I'm talking to myself. I cry for no reason now. Its two years but still

I'm missing you like crazy.
I see couples walking past and I think of how we used to be just like them.
My heart hurts and aches so fucking much when I think about us.
Nobody can take your place in my heart because I put the most effort when I was with you. Second best, just isn't good enough and I'd rather be without them.
How can it just fail despite all the effort I've put in? How can it fail despite both our efforts?


I miss you telling me it'll be okay.
I miss you texting me that i'll be fine and that you're just a call away.
I miss you being there for me whenever I needed someone so bad.
I need to hear you once more.
To tell me that you love me.
To tell me that I'll make it safely home.
To cheer me up when I've got no customers.
To make me smile.


You know. I can't find any other because you're the sweetest. Sweetest love ever.


):
I let you go. I'm so sorry.

Crushes last for 2 weeks and bye bye.

You're acting like you're way too cool when you're not all that.
Have fun with your friends until they dump you for better.
Oh wait, you're the leader of the pack.

Nevermind, it'll happen.

Social elites always get a taste of their own medicine.

And so you've left us
Maybe not even coming back. ):
How? Why?
It hurts.


But I'll not cry because I've had enough tears.

Our sheep days are over.
This time for good, I don't think I'll be holding on to everything anymore.
All the days of waffles and rolling on grass, all of them will be over tonight.
It's not as if we could have been together anyway, the issues with our parents.
It wasn't all that difficult loving you.
It got hard because you were so insecure and you still thought of her.
I told you once that I wouldn't leave for somebody else. I promised so many times but you told me those same words.
I never left you for him.
I left you because we could never be together.


I loved the nights I lay my head on your shoulder or when I held you to sleep.
I loved it when we watched movies in your laptop, just the two of us.
Loved it when you hugged me and told me it was nonsense each time I asked how you could love me.
How do you love me when I'm like this?


You'll meet someone soon. Someone who will help you get on in life better than I can.
I know I changed you bit by bit. And you told me you were a better person now.
I could only do so much to help you.
You'll find someone new. Someone who will be there.
She'll be a much nicer person than I was.
She'll take my place as your nicest person you ever know
She'll help you forget about that girl you left me for in the past.


Yes love, our kambing days are over.
i miss you darling.
but i am sorry.

I saw the love of my life last night.
But he walked right past me and never noticed me.

I understand how Titi felt.


But this time, I wish I had ran up to talk to him.
I just let him go.
Cat caught my tongue, my body froze just because this brain of mine told me not to.
My heart wanted to.


But.....
):

You say you love me but it hurts.
You text me, but when I took my time to reply you gave me a cold shoulder.
It hurts.



You only care when I'm hurting or when I'm about to jump down and leave you.

Whoop whoop.
:D
Drama rehearsals have been everything awesome.

Ami's birthday was yesterday but sadly. We're not celebrating.... YET. BOOOOOOOOOOO
because the JC kids have A levels. Bleh.

This week. I skipped school BADLY.
Has to stop.
I still cant believe I hung out with White Girl & co. That's like. wayyyyyyyyyy not me. But yeah, I am friends with White Girl now. HAHA.

I need to attend a FULL lesson like soon.
We'll start on Monday. :D
A might be sending me a morning sms to wake me up. (It failed on Tuesday cos I took medication and woke up at 1pm, then rushed to school for drama)
I seriously need A to wake me up. No sms on Fri and I ended up.... sleeping until 7.45am. D:
GREAT.


Haha. Fiqa is trying to quit smoking. Diyana is trying to loose weight. I am trying to quit coming to school late, skip school and partial-ing.
Oh. I am also trying to save money & loose weight.
HAHAHA.
Failed so far.

Asked A if I was fat and he avoided the question like a million times.
Drank water, coughed la.
Finally he answered and told me to gain weight so guys wont stare at me.
HAHAHA. Funny is it? Not funny la.


Anyway. this week was kinda fucked up.
Had problems with A, Fadhil, Tasha, Grasshopper, Cicakbabi etc.
A is as usual, being himself. ):
Fadhil, me & Tasha. Well. More like Fadhil's problem but I got involved cos I dragged him into drama.
Grasshopper. Yeah, well. I understand almost all of our mutual friends dont really like her. Examples would be White Girl.
Cicakbabi. Well, you know how she just cannot DIE. D: This pisses me off.

Anyway.
An incident happened last night which is causing me to stop bitching about cicakbabi for now.
Leroy's the guy who told me it's karma. (Btw, it's the RP one not Shirou.)


More fucked up things happened la.
A & Hanis. Me getting caught in between. Of course, I'm supporting A but it feels awkward to see Hanis in the train and pretend he doesnt exist because I always wave at him.

A even had a dream last night about Hanis.
FML la. It concerns me. wtf.
Told A that he's probably thinking too much.
The two things in the dream will never happen. Or at least I think it won't. I am privating the details because some cicakbabis might be reading this.

one week felt like forever.
it did fly by.
but but but.
it's been 7 days.
still very long.

we'll be free soon. i promise.
with better days.